Hats!
by Stream Harmony
Summary: How does the Doctor really feel when River shoots of his hats? First the fez then the Stetson, isn't it terrible? A one shot. River/the Doctor


**This is a one shot about the Doctor's love of hats! Hats are cool!**

**Reviews are always appreciated!**

"Come on along, Pond" He said in a cheery tone pulling Amy into the TARDIS control room. Amy turned to face the Doctor. She scowled when she found him.  
"Doctor! Put it back!" Amy yelled, exasperation obvious in her voice.  
"No, it's _cool_!" The Doctor said striking a pose. Sitting on the Doctors head was a hat with corks hanging down from it. It was a stereotypical Australian hat.  
"Don't make me get River, you know she'll shoot it on sight." Amy said. The Doctor pulled off the hat and hugged it protectively. Amy giggled at the defensive look on the Doctors face.  
"She's not having _this_ hat!" The Doctor cried pouting. He was sick of his wife, River, always shooting his hats off. First the fez, then the stetson! It was terrible! Though he did find it slightly attractive, he would still prefer it if she left the hats alone…They mattered to him!  
"Put it away!" Amy cried still laughing at the look on his face.  
"No! I'm going to wear this hat, and there's nothing you can do about it!" The Doctor said crossing his arms over his chest and pouting. He was acting like a stubborn five year old. There was nothing she could do to get him to take the hat of. She may as well let him have his way.  
"Where are we going, Doctor?" Amy asked excitedly leaning on the TARDIS's console.  
"Well…" The Doctor began, dancing around the control room, flicking levers and pressing buttons as he went. He danced past Amy and tapped her on the nose. He finally stopped when he reached the scanner and grinned before telling her where they were off to that day.  
"We're going to Australia, to visit Uluru or as the people on the planet Kroneptis would say, the giant table!" The Doctor said before rushing to the doors. Amy let out a chuckle before following the Doctor. They stood together at the doors of the TARDIS. This was always her favourite part, waiting to see what lay outside those doors. The Doctor shoved them open and they both stepped out.  
He had gotten it wrong, again. They were not in Australia.  
"Doctor, this is not Australia!" Amy shouted waving her hands out in front of her.  
"Strange…I was _sure_ I got the coordinates right this time!" The Doctor murmured.  
"We're here now, we may as well take a look around." Amy said walking forward. The Doctor closed the TARDIS door and hurried to catch up with Amy. It certainly was hot enough to be Australia, but the air tasted wrong for it to be Australia. They walked in silence.  
A man walked toward them, wearing dirty clothes. "Doctor! Oh my god its the Doctor!"  
The man marvelled running over to them. "I've heard so much about you, she never stops talking about you! _Seriously_..." The man said smiling.  
Who was the women he was referring to Amy thought.  
"Are you an archeologist?" The Doctor asked a wide grin on his face.  
"Yeah, why? You got a problem with archeologists?" The man asked eyeing the Doctor carefully. The Doctor laughed before replying. This was to perfect he thought.  
"I'm a time traveler, I point and laugh at archeologists." The Doctor said smugly.  
"Come on, I can't wait to see the look on her face when she sees you!" The man said leading them across the Egyptian dessert. They followed, though Amy was slightly annoyed that she wasn't in Australia. "Doctor what happened to "The giant table"?" Amy asked following the man.  
"Well, I need to find out who this lady is _today_!" The Doctor said rubbing his hands together.  
"Getting excited are we?" Amy asked shoving him playfully.  
"Yes…Wait…I mean…Umm…_Oi_!…No!" The Doctor said blushing bright crimson.  
They finally reached a camp with people crowded over a dig. The man told them to wait while he found her.  
"Who is it, Doctor?" Amy asked looking around and chocking on the dust.  
"I have not the foggiest, but I can't wait to find out!" The Doctor said a childish grin to his face.  
There was a sudden "_Eep_!" that made Amy and the Doctor jump. The man came back laughing and smiling.  
"She'll be here in a minute. Oh, this'll be good." The man said looking back at where he had just come from.  
The Doctor and Amy waited patiently for her to come. Obviously she was getting herself ready, or she wanted to make an entrance.  
"So, what are you looking for?" Amy asked filling the silence.  
"Oh, we're searching for the lost ruby of the Mochien." The man said bluntly.  
"Good luck with that!" The Doctor said chuckling to himself.  
"Shut up, Doctor! What's 'the lost ruby of the Mochien'?" Amy asked shoving the Doctor in the ribs.  
"Well, the legend says that the Mochien, the god of the sea and the sky on the planet Burneat, sent his most treasured gem, the lost ruby, to Earth where it would be taken into good hands. So we're basically looking for it, from what research has found it should be located around this area." The man said scratching his chin, while he thought.  
Amy screamed, as a gun went off near her. The Doctors hat plummeted of his head and fell to the ground. He looked around looking for the person who had committed this crime of torture toward his precious hat. Suddenly he set his eyes on a women with an insane mane of golden curls. She wore dirty brown boots, a sweaty grey tank top and lose baggy tracksuit pants. She smiled, bating her eye lashes sweetly and innocently. The Doctor instantly recognised her.  
"Hello sweetie." She said, her voice melodic. She sashayed towards them a cheeky grin on her face.  
"Hi honey, I'm home!" The Doctor replied taking in her familiar curves.  
"What sort of time do you call this?!" River asked before erupting into giggles, this was early for her the Doctor concluded.  
"River!" Amy cried running over to her and giving River a massive bear hug.  
"Can't. Breath." River mumbled into her mothers tight squeeze. Amy loosened her hug but she didn't let go. Then the Doctor realised that he had forgotten his hat. He dropped to his knees in front of it. He gently picked it up, just like you would a baby, and cradled it.  
"My hat," He whispered squatting, "You _shot_ my hat!"  
"Yes, I know dear. I do hope you're not going to go on about it! It's just a stupid cork hat! I suppose that's better than a fez, but not much…" River pointed out.  
"Hey! Don't dis the fez!" The Doctor pouted shoving a finger in Rivers direction.  
"I hate to say this, Doctor but…I told you so!" Amy chortled.  
"Let's look on the bright side, at least you didn't disintegrate it, like you did to my fez! I loved that fez!" The Doctor said carefully putting the cork hat back onto his head.  
"Just you wait…" River suggested winking.  
"This is better than I expected it to be!" The man chuckled really enjoying the show going on before him.  
"Oh _shut up_, Brian!" River scowled rolling her eyes.  
"Why, there's never any fun around here! Besides, I think I deserve a little harmless _thank_ you, for bringing these two over here. I didn't have to you know! I could have just walked past and finished what I went there to do! But no, I risked my job and brought 'em over to you!" the man identified as Brian ranted crossing his arm over his chest in an act of anger.  
"Thank you Brian. I'm sorry. Oh no! Look, it's Pansmen! He always comes when I'm having a little fun. Probably gonna _remind_ me that I can't stay away from the storm cage facility, that I'm _overdue_ to go back. I only got a lecture about that yesterday, I don't need another one _today_ as well!" River said stomping her feet and crossing her arms over her chest. She was clearly exasperated.  
"Professor Song! Come here!" An old man with a walking stick yelled.  
River sighed,"Here we go again," She muttered under her breath," Coming, sir!" She called as she started jogging over to the man.  
"Who's he?" Amy asked as she watched River talking to the man  
"An old creep. Mr. Joseph Pansmen, the manager. I think he has something for River…whoops, you're her boyfriend…" Brian said looking away awkwardly.

{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}

I jogged over to the stupid Mr. Pansman. Man, this is embarrassing. He could have picked anytime to do this today and of course he picked now! In front of the Doctor, that _really_ makes me look professional!  
"Yes, sir what's the problem?" I ask even though I already know the answer.  
"You need to go to storm cage now!" He yelled sending his fowl breath into my face.  
"But, Mr. Pansman, I have to help finish the dig! You know they need my help!" I say trying to convince him to give me a few more days.  
"That won't work, River." He said confidently. _River_? River! Since when did he call me River? It's always been Professor Song or Dr. Song.  
"What?" I ask hesitantly  
"I know you too well." he said. He knows me too well? He doesn't _know_ me!  
"Well then, you only leave me one choice…" I say reaching into my pocket. This is going to be _DISGUSTING_! Especially in front of my sweetie. I twist open the cap and push the bright red stick up. Carefully I smear the red onto my lips.  
"What?" He asks watching me put my lipstick on.  
"Hallucinogenic lipstick. Works like a _treat!_" I say batting my eyelids and chapping my lips.  
"What are you on about?" Mr Pansman asks taking a step back.  
"Well, I'm about to scar myself for life and make you leave me alone, forever!" I say leaning forward.

{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}

In the distance they can see River talking to her , she kisses him.  
"_Ouch_! Now that's something I never expected to see anyone do to Mr Pansman, especially not River!" Brian called bursting into laughter.  
"That's…awkward…" Amy lets out looking at the Doctors gaping expression  
"I-I-I…um" The Doctor stutters as River turns and gallops back to the camp  
"Doctor? _Doctor_!" Amy yells waving her hand in front of his face.  
"Just act like it didn't happen" Amy whispered taping him on the shoulder in reassurance.  
"Well, that's that problem solved" River states wiping her mouth in distaste.  
"I…uh…River…just…I…What?" The Doctor mumbles his mouth still agape.  
"Oh, be quiet, _sweetie_! Don't think I enjoyed that!" River shivered at the memory of the kiss.  
"I'm sure you _loved_ that, River. River and Mr Pansman! Never would have imagined it, until now!" Brian joked  
"Do you want your taste of the lipstick too? Because I'm happy to grab my _Poisonous_ kiss lip gloss!" River said making kissy faces at Brian  
"Doctor? You in there?" Amy asks watching him continue to mumble.  
"Don't worry Amy he'll get over it! Any way, I need a break. Where's the TARDIS?" River asked taking a gulp of water from a blue flask  
"This way" Amy says walking away from the camp.  
"Coming, sweetie?" River asks cupping his face.  
"_River_!" The Doctor mumbles a love fallen expression on his face. River catches up with Amy laughing. The two women walk ahead of the Doctor, who walks like he was in a trance.  
The women peeked back at the Doctor and burst into another bout of giggles.  
The Doctor stared at them questions in his eyes. "What?" He asked confused.  
"_You_?!" The girls said in unison erupting into laughter once again.  
When they reached the TARDIS both of the women wanted to freshen up so the Doctor was left in some peace for a while, but not long. Amy soon finished, her fiery red hair back to its usual shininess.  
"River will be back in a minute. " Amy said a smug expression on her face.  
"What are you up to?" The Doctor inquired expectedly.  
"May I look at you hat?" Amy asked changing the subject.  
"Sure. Finally found your _love_ for hats, then Amy?" The Doctor joked handing Amy the hat.  
"Whatever floats your boat…" Amy said a wide grin on her face. She stood up and pretended to admire his hat. Amy walked across the room with his hat.  
"River!" Amy called holding the hat high above her head. Bang! The hat shattered into burning pieces that fell to the ground. That's when River sauntered into the room. She held a smoking gun in her hand.  
"Hello sweetie." She said sitting next him.  
"My Hat!" The Doctor wailed cowering over.  
"It's alright, sweetie. We got you something _way_ better than a _silly_ old cork hat." River says like shes talking to a child reaching into her pocket. She pulls out her vortex manipulator. River briskly types in some coordinates.  
"I'll be back in a minute with it. You're gonna _love_ it sweetie." River smiles just before a thunderbolt flashes, making River disappear. A few seconds later a frazzled River re-appears.  
"Did you get it?" Amy asked as River sat down.  
"Yeah. Here you go, sweetie!" River says handing the Doctor a pale pink bow tie. River pulls his other bow tie loose, winking suggestively. The Doctor gulps tensing slightly.  
"Calm down, sweetie." River says pulling the tie of. She wraps the pink bow tie around his neck and tie it neatly on the front.  
"I also have a little gift for you Doctor" Amy smiles revealing a pink ballerina fairy. She saunters over and clips the fairy to the front of his bow tie.  
"_Perfect_." River purrs flattening his bow tie.  
"I'll leave you two alone for a while" Amy says winking before leaving.  
"Don't _leave_ me Amy." The Doctor calls toward the closed door.  
"Just _relax_, sweetie. Enjoy yourself!" River hums, smiling.

**Yay!**


End file.
